Learning to Receive Feedback with Love & Grace
Recently, we aired an episode on our Five Lemons Laughing podcast all about receiving feedback. It was such a rich conversation, and I felt there was so much more to say on the topic, so I created a video, which you can find here. And this blog post is a summary of that video, for those who prefer to read rather than watch.
When someone offers us feedback, it often triggers a strong emotional response in us. Why is that the case? In this article, I’ll share my thoughts on that, and I’ll share some spiritual principles & practices that may help shift our perspective, empowering us to receive feedback as a welcome opportunity for spiritual growth and expansion.
We Didn’t Know Better
First, it is helpful to acknowledge that we were not taught how to receive feedback gracefully. This critical skill is not typically taught in the home, in schools or in workplaces. Consequently, we've learned by observing others, and it often appears that the appropriate response to receiving feedback is to get upset, take it personally, feel hurt or embarrassed, or even retaliate with criticism.
“Nothing is ever personal.”
To overcome this pattern, I’ve found it helpful to practice not taking anything personally, a principle beautifully explained in the book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. By understanding that nothing is ever truly personal, we free ourselves from the chains of our ego and open up to a more empowered perspective.
Additionally, adopting a stance of defenselessness, as inspired by A Course in Miracles, has proven helpful in my experience.
“In my defenselessness my safety lies.”
When we choose defenselessness, we are choosing to identify with our Truth, with our True Nature, with our Power, which is our Oneness with God, our Creator.
Fight or Flight Activated
A second reason for our emotional (over)reaction to receiving feedback has to do with the activation of our false beliefs and fears. Physiologically, receiving feedback from others can trigger physiological responses such as a racing heart, flushed face, or feelings of heat in the body. These reactions are indicative of a defense mechanism at play—our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response has been activated.
Why do we feel unsafe when receiving feedback? Some underlying fear has been provoked within us. For instance, if it's feedback from a boss, our reactivity could be traced to an underlying fear of being fired, which if we examine it more deeply, might be actually a worst-case scenario fear of ending up homeless and destitute. If it's feedback from a spouse or life partner, maybe the underlying fear is one of abandonment, a fear that we'll end up divorced and alone.
The more we are willing to become aware of the underlying fear, the more we can see how ridiculous the fears are and how unwarranted our reactivity is in most cases.
Practice:
It boils down to a simple practice of questioning everything that’s going on inside of us. Notice our physiological response, become aware of the unchecked thoughts running through our minds, and question all of it. Bring it to the light for healing. Invite your Higher Self (or Holy Spirit, your angels, Spirit Guides, Jesus, etc.) to help you see the situation correctly.
“I am never upset for the reason I think.”
Our upsets are not caused by external situations. What we're actually upset by is the meaning that we have assigned to the situation, the interpretation that we have made of it, and our beliefs about what it means.
“Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
“I have given everything all the meaning that it has for me.”
Everything is neutral until we assign non-neutrality to it. In other words, until we assign judgement to it, sifting and sorting, good and bad, better than less than. Judgements are not truth. There’s no fact in them. In truth, all things are neutral.
When we’re willing to become aware of our interpretations and our fears, triggering situations, such as receiving feedback from others, can become blessings—opportunities for healing old, unexamined beliefs and programs that have been running in the background our entire lives.
So we are bringing all of this to our awareness, and that is the first step of healing and reprogramming our minds, so that we might be inclined to respond with more love in the future.
Practicing Presence: Letting Go of Past Stories & Future Worries
Another reason we find ourselves activated into a fear-based response in the face of receiving feedback is that we have left the present moment. We’ve gone into the past, remembering a time that someone gave us feedback and there was a “catastrophic” or unwanted end result (or we’re remembering someone else’s negative experience). Or, we’re worrying about some imagined, unwanted, future outcome. We’re assigning past stories or future worries onto the present moment, rather than accepting this present situation at face value without adding extra made-up stories to it. It’s those made-up, irrelevant stories & our interpretation of what’s happening that triggers our upset, not the actual feedback we’ve received. We’re making some additional meaning out of what’s going on.
Tools for Transformation
Now, let's explore practical steps to gracefully receive and respond to feedback. Think of these as your pre-game, game-time, and post-game plans.
Pre-Game Plan: This is the training period we go through to prepare us to meet life’s challenges armed with spiritual truths, that we may have an experience of ease, grace, peace & love no matter what we encounter.
Become Aware of Spiritual Truths: It’s literally that simple. Reading this blog post is a great start. By studying spiritual principles & understanding the laws of the universe, you bring awareness to what’s actually going on. If you have no idea that there’s an underlying faulty program running the show, how can you ever hope to change it?
“Awareness is curative.”
Practice Patience & Self Compassion: Be patient and gentle with yourself; changing your response to challenging situations, such as receiving feedback, is a process, and you won't always get it right. We are de-programming the old way of doing things and rewiring our brain’s neural pathways. This usually takes a great deal of repetition and practice. The old patterns are deeply ingrained, and we’ve been practicing them for a long time. Much of the healing work can be done in the aftermath, as you reflect, so all is not lost, even if you don’t respond with love in the heat of the moment as intended.
Game-Time Plan: You’ve trained & prepared for this. It’s showtime. You’re faced with a challenging situation: Someone has offered you unwanted feedback. Now what?
Observe: Take a moment to notice your internal emotional and physical reactions. Notice the stories & the racing thoughts that may be running through your mind. Move into the role of the witness. Observe & witness what’s unfolding without identifying with it.
Stay Present: If you're pulled into a past story or a future worry, bring your focus back to the present moment.
Question Your Thoughts: Ask yourself if the fear that has been activated is based on reality. Challenge your interpretations.
Pray / Ask for Help: In the moment, silently ask for help from your Higher Self. Let Love guide your response. Ask Holy Spirit, “What is the most loving response here?”
Think "THINK": Before responding, consider whether your words are True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind.
Post-Game Plan: Every great athlete evaluates their performance after a big match. This practice is just as helpful for our journey of spiritual awakening and becoming more Self Aware.
Review Your Response: Without judgment, assess how you handled the situation. Identify what you did well and areas for improvement.
Celebrate Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate any progress, even if it's small. Every positive shift deserves recognition. For example, if a similar situation would have formerly triggered you into feeling upset and discouraged for a full week, and this time you felt upset and discouraged for an hour, that’s a huge win. It’s important to acknowledge & celebrate that shift. Anytime we can acknowledge and celebrate these wins, no matter how small they may seem, we cement them into our subconscious, and we actively rewire our neural pathways for the future.
Plan for Growth: Could you have responded more lovingly in the situation? How so? Get specific. Identify a very clear more loving response. This process, again, is working to reprogram our automatic reactions for future encounters.
With a subtle shift in perception and a willingness to change our minds, receiving feedback can easily become an opportunity for healing and greater self-awareness on our spiritual path, rather than a source of pain and discomfort. Are you willing to make the shift? Let me know! Did you find this blog post helpful? Please share it with others, if you feel so inspired. Would you like some extra support in doing this work? Let’s work together.
